Not many people intentionally lie during their wedding vows. When they say “til death do us part” or some variation, many are honestly hoping that’s how long the marriage lasts…and that their spouse’s death is more than just three weeks away. Ah, but there’s the operative word: hoping. A few may go in with a commitment that, come what may, the marriage will last, yet so many are going in with a quid pro quo hope, a commitment that lasts only as long as their needs are being met.
Leah and I have had something of a trying time in Houston. Jobs that I thought I nailed the interview for seem to have fallen through. She’s missing her family, friends, and the two little boys she used to nanny. Fears that this was a bad decision or that God won’t come through have clouded our minds and brought with them, for me anyway, a lot of regret over past decisions.
Our relationship with each other has remained strong throughout all this. We haven’t fought, haven’t regretted marrying each other, haven’t tried to push the other one away. If anything, our marriage has grown stronger. We know that, even should we end up on the streets (which we don’t believe we will), we will stay together because of our commitment to and love for each other. Our marriage isn’t dependent on circumstances.
Why then is it so easy to let our relationship with God, which is far more eternal than any marriage and with a love far greater, at least on His end, than any we have for each other, be dependent on what’s going on in our lives? Are we not forever His? During this struggle, both of us have questioned why God brought us here. We still don’t know. We feel like for what we’ve given up and for following His will that He somehow owes us something, which makes our love and our obedience conditional.
I have absolutely no fear that Leah will leave me, cheat on me, or recklessly spend all our money. It would go against everything I know about her. Why should I have any fear that God will let me down when He’s perfect and she’s not? He cannot let me down because He’s promised to work out all things for the good of those who love Him and He cannot deny Himself.
Usually, I don’t post until I have some sort of answer to the question I’m posing, but this time, I am. I think part of it is that my top love language is physical touch, which I can’t do with God but can with Leah, so it’s easier for me to have a deep love for Leah. Yet I think there must be more to it. I’m open to any suggestions or thoughts here.