I was suicidal, contemplating it almost daily. I had a fairly high-paying job, good health, a group of close friends, and respect at work. Yet I hated myself because I was and had always been single. Not having what I wanted most made all of what I had irrelevant. Worse, it made me desperate.
I had tried asking women out in college, only to hear terrible excuses. I tried online dating, only to be told that I couldn’t be matched up with anyone within a 50-mile radius of a city of 400,000 people. I tried again after moving to the DC area (with well over 1 million people in the area) with the same result. I buried myself in my work, putting in 60, 70, and sometimes 80 or more hours a week, just so I didn’t have to think about my life. Those rare times when my workload was lighter, I’d slack off during the workweek, just so I could stay late and come in on the weekend. Often, I’d volunteer for projects or make up things to do.
And when the thing from which I took what shred of value I found in myself, my intellect, let me down, I’d beat myself up mentally, verbally, and even physically.
I was miserable and a hard person to be friends with. I was manipulative, often pouting at parties in part to get attention, and controlling. I could be generous and funny and a good listener, but these traits served to make me more frustrated when I’d be friends with a woman for six months, finally ask her out, and get rejected for all the other reasons listed.
Even finding God didn’t make me like myself. I was learning to love Him, but still hated everything about who I was.
What finally got me to change was realizing that I had a different identity if I was a Christian: I was no longer bound to the rules of how the world determines value, but a son of God, a far more important position than any I could ever attain. A position I couldn’t earn, and one I couldn’t lose. God led me to write a book on it and it was during the writing of the book that I learned many more of the principles of Christian self-confidence.
I’m not living the message perfectly yet, but even that is its own blessing. Because Christian self-confidence is based on what God thinks of you, there is no task to perform to get it. You can have it whenever you want.
Over the rest of this week, I’m going back to the basics of what Christian confidence means. I’ll be answering questions about confidence from some readers and others online, as well as just setting the foundation of why we need this confidence, how it differs from the world’s definition of confidence, and where to start getting it.
If there are any topics you’d specifically like me to address, feel free to comment below. Thanks!