On Friday, I had a phone interview with an organization I wanted to work for. This morning, God told Leah and I that He didn’t want me taking this position. We’d been praying that if it was His will, they would offer it; if it wasn’t, they wouldn’t. But then during my prayer time this morning, He just said no. When Leah returned from her prayer walk, I asked her to pray specifically about this and she heard the same. So I removed my name from consideration.
It wasn’t easy. Walking in faith rarely is.
Leah joked a little after that I should take a break from blogging because yesterday I’d written about having more faith and asking God to give us something hard to do, something we can’t do without Him. This morning, we received our answer.
I can’t help but think, “Wouldn’t it be nice if God answered all my prayers so quickly?” If He’d answered all my prayers since we’ve been married, I’d be worth about $100 million more than I am (or, just a few dollars over $100 million in total), have our dream home built in a forested area of Colorado, with no worries in the world. Prayed for money, didn’t happen. Prayed for a job, the one it seems I’d get God tells me not to pursue. Prayed for a challenge, and that’s the one He answers.
Thank God He did.
I’ve said before that we can only build character when we don’t want to. But it’s this character growth that God is really interested in, not because He wants us to be holy on our own, but because we can’t grow this character beyond a certain point without Him. It’s why He’s so quick to answer prayers for growth: because He is so eager for us to know Him better.
Though I have to admit it’s terrifying, though my brain has been yelling at me all morning, overall, I have a sense of peace. Even though I didn’t really want Him to answer my prayer (as evidenced by my fretting a bit when He told me to give up the job opportunity), at least not as much as I wanted Him to answer my other prayers, He did answer my prayer. He is here with me, right now, right where I am and my prayers are getting through.
When I’m praying for things I want for myself, it’s easy to believe that God’s not hearing me. I reason that if I’m living the life He wants me to live, He should answer me, preferably with a strong, quick “Yes, here it is!” I don’t seem to consider that perhaps He has a better plan, a better life. A life with fewer earthly treasures or, at least, a life in which they matter less to me.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a scarier situation, and I’m not sure I’ve ever been in a situation where I’ve had as much to lose. I don’t know how things will turn out, but I do know that with the growth God has worked in me, I’ve already gained so much more than I risk losing. All because I prayed the prayers I didn’t really want answered.