Sex Begins With Doing the Dishes

Ok, so this is something of a public service announcement for the fellas out there: your wife’s idea of sex begins way before yours does. For us guys, we generally think of sex beginning when the kissing turns passionate, the hands start wandering, and steps start leading to the bedroom.
For most women, though, this isn’t the case. Your wife probably enjoys the physical feelings of sex, but most women have it primarily because of the feelings of closeness and intimacy that sex brings. They feel secure in your love and in the relationship when they’re having sex. And sex itself, since it is so physical, causes the brain to emit oxytocin, a chemical known to cause emotional bonding between the person feeling it and the one causing it. It happens very strongly when a mother nurses her baby or when a woman has an orgasm, but it also happens when you have enjoyable physical contact with another person for more than about 30 seconds. This bonding chemical lends credence to women referring to sex as “making love.”
But because sex is so emotional for women, they have to be in a certain mood to want it. It has a little bit to do with how their day went and how tired they are, but much more of it is how they feel about you and how they think you feel about them.
For example, my wife’s primary love language is quality time. If I don’t talk to her and pay attention to her when she talks to me, she feels unloved. I show her I love her by calling her to say hi on my lunch breaks and by making sure we have a few conversations a day, even when we’re both super busy. She also has physical touch and gifts as love languages, so I give her little gifts from time to time and cuddle with her on the couch nearly every night. I give her a poem every month on the anniversary of our first date, tell her I love her every day, and sometimes do one or two of her chores for her, such as doing the dishes.
And I try to lead her as I believe a husband should lead his wife: with self-sacrifice, endless love, grace, patience, kindness, and correction when necessary. I try to lead us closer to God and to emulate Jesus in my life.
Because of all of these things, she feels very loved, and that makes her happy to show that love in a variety of ways.
Please don’t think I’m talking about manipulating your wife into having sex with you. That’s the worst thing you could try here. I’m saying if you haven’t been getting enough sex, it’s likely because your wife doesn’t feel loved enough. When I do these things for Leah, I don’t think about what she’ll do for me; I think about the smile on her face when she finds out. I think about how much I love her and want her to be happy. It is better to do nothing for your wife than to do things to manipulate her; she will see through it sooner or later (and my money’s on sooner).
Whether you’re satisfied or not, just take a few minutes this week and think of some things you can do for your wife, things you can do with sincerity, whether you’re rewarded or not. Tell her you love her and appreciate what she does for you. Take her out to dinner if you can see she’s tired. Give her a shoulder massage as you watch one of her favorite movies. Just show her how much you honestly love her, how much she means to you. You’ll find that her smile is easily reward enough, even if that’s not all the reward you get.


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